strength

Refined and Polished

by ladypbwiggins

Yesterday I celebrated my 70th birthday. Today is the beginning of my 71st year of life. Leading up to this time I had determined that it was time to re-invent myself. I planned to address my insecurities that are responsible for me living an impactless life. My plans have changed some what. Yesterday as part of my birthday celebration my baby daughter orchestrated a video presentation. She invited my family and people she knows have known me for a long time to express how I had impacted their life and to share a memory. I sat there listening to those who shared and thought I didn’t know they felt like that. I was just being me. Some cited incidents that they felt showed my strength. I felt they just seemed to me in trouble and caused people to dislike me. i really thought I was just tolerated because I was attached to Carl. I thought who are they talking about. They believe that I am strong. One even said I was fierce. I had been shot down and stomped on so often that I felt like there really was no reason that I should be using up the space and air others could have benefited from. To some extent this attitude caused me to deny myself of things I wanted or the quality of things I did get.

My friends and family have a different opinion of me. For that I am grateful and thankful. I awoke this morning realizing I like their view, their perspective. I have purposed to see myself through their eyes, I have decided not to re-invent myself. Apparently the core of who they see is who I wanted to be. Therefore I will leave the essence of who I am unchanged. I an asking for Yaweh’s help to refine that which needs refining and polish that which needs to shine brighter.

I am renewing my thinking about myself . I purpose to give myself the same grace and compassion that I give others. I give my best to others and now I purpose to give it to myself. I am moving myself up on my list . Oh, don’t worry. I am not going to become haughty and self-centered. I’m just going to treat myself better. I know this is not going to be something that happens overnite but I am beginning.

This post is my first step. Now you all know and those near and dear will hold me accountable, Second step is to become more consistent with my Bible study. Thirdly, I will wear more of what I like. People have seen glimpses of my style but not on a consistent level or the quality that I really like. I spent the money on my kids and my husband. They were in the public eye more than I. Really, who neede to dress up to clean bathrooms. 😀 The kids are grown and hubby is no longer Pastor Carl and community activist. I am making it my turn now. Not making do any more. I’ve wanted to sew, so sew I will. Before the pandemic I had lost weight and was wearing clothes that I loved. I had replaced the fat clothes. Over this last year of isolation, I have regained the weight. Food was my only physical comfort. I will eliminate the vegan fast food and return to the healthier versions. I will lose the weight again but I will dress the fat body well in the mean time. Not waiting.

Let the refining and polishing begin. 70 is the new 40.

NO REGRETS!

by ladypbwiggins

Always Some Regret

One day during my early 20s I stood in the middle of my livingroom and announced to myself that when I am old, I didn’t want to regret look back on my life and have regrets. My thoughts reminded me of Robert Frost’s poem, The Road Not Taken. That day I stood at my metaphorical fork in the road. Do I take that path or the other one. I look back on my life now and realize there will always be some regret. I do have “what if” thoughts. If I had gone down the other path, would I have been successful and satisfied in that other career. Very possibly because my hobbies bring me such joy. The down side is I most likely would not have met my husband. I would not have been a step-mother. That brought with it joy and pain. I would not have given birth to these two amazing children. I probably would not have lived the life I have led with all of its ups and downs. The life that has brought me so much joy. I would have regretted missing this. Ah, but how would I know?

I may not be able to have that long dream career but I can enjoy many aspects as my hobbies. One of them I am getting to share with my youngest grand-daughter. I have no regrets.

I realize in my new middle aged wisdom that regret is inevitable. Regardless of what you decide there will be some regret. It is a waste of time and energy wondering what was down that other path. All of the experiences on this path are profitable to make you a better, stronger, happier person. I know some of you have a very rough life and can’t imagine anything profitable coming from it. But it can. First, learn from the situation. Change what you can that is beneficial to you. You have been made strong from it. You may not realize it but you have. Second for the the things you can’t change do the best you can to work them for your benefit. The situation may not change but you will.

Accepting that no decision will create a perfect life brings a healthier state of mind. Shake off the what ifs and focus on what’s in front of you.

Enjoy the road taken.

Foundations

by ladypbwiggins

Do you remember nursery school? Today they call it preschool. I do. The place: McKenzie Courts Center. The administrator/teacher: Mrs. Henderson. The first lovingly, strong academia influence in my life. She and her staff taught us skills to prepare us for elementary school. It wasn’t just the a,b,c’s, colors and numbers. When I left there I could read and write legibily. They taught us how to behave in social settings outside our home. They required our best in all areas. I never thought of that place as a place for poor, black kids. I never felt the sting of “separate but equal” unequal segregation. Jim Crow overshadowed this sanctuary, but I didn’t know it. I felt safe. Mrs. Henderson and company did that for us. I remember we ate, we slept, we played, we learned. But most of all we were respected and loved. You can’t get much richer than that:My Black Soil. My roots got stronger every day. I was a little kid enjoying life. I believe Mrs Henderson is enjoying a well-deserved rest in heaven. Thank you.