I lost myself
Where did I go?
I lost myself.
So busy being strong
I LOST myself.
What did I do wrong?
I see me lurking
Out of the corner of my eyes.
My face so sad
Wanting to be vibrant again.
Wanting to be free to
Enjoy hobbies, ocean waves,
Beach walks, mountain hikes,
Or a day on the sewing machine.
I lost MY SELF.
I see me but
I seem so out of reach.
How do I discover me
Again?
Several years ago I posted this during a personal medical crisis. I felt led to repost as a reminder to me and other believers as we walk through this most recent national health crisis.
7 For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7 NKJV
I have heard that scripture cited so very much over my life. I even thought I knew what it meant. I thought….
On Friday, April 10, 2015 I realized I didn’t get it before. God said to me “Your behavior does not match your words. Are you really walking by faith or are you really walking by sight wrapped in limited faith.”
Let me give you some context.
At Eagles Wings Christian Church, we have been focusing a lot lately on “Walking by Faith, Not by Sight.” There are new activities that we want to accomplish and it will require faith to do it.
On Sunday, March 1, 2015, God spoke through our praise leader that everything would be alright. She uncontrollably kept repeating “everything will be alright.” We said Amen. What we didn’t understand that a few short minutes later, the pastor, my husband, would pass out just before taking the pulpit. Apparently, his blood pressure dropped and so did he. The emergency response team was called and he was revived and taken to the hospital. That morning the believers swarmed him with prayer. I felt no fear just prayerful power. After all we had been told “everything would be alright.”
The teachings continued and we as a church expected every week for a miracle. Little did we know God had an object lesson planned. On March 26th, God’s lesson began. “In That Moment” and “After the First Moment” tell the story so I invite you to read those posts.
This is where the Friday conversation becomes relevant. We talked about walking by faith and not by sight at church and among believers. That basically means we live, make decisions based on the faith that we have in some thing or someone not by what we observe in the circumstance. The scripture that was laid on my mind when my husband had his heart attack was Psalm 91 especially verses 14-16. I told everyone that I was standing in faith on this scripture for my husband’s recovery.
Here was my contradiction.
Sight said
He had a loss of oxygen. Brain damage
His heart has a 10-20% refraction – doesn’t pump blood strongly enough
Needs a defibrillator or other surgery
Prognosis is not so good.
The practical and realistic thinking person says let’s do what is medically necessary to save and improve his life. I mean it is reasonable right?
Faith says Psalm 91
Psalm 91:14-16 (NKJV)
14 “Because he has set his love upon Me,
therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him
and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”
God said “You said Psalm 91 was your faith anchor while you make preparations to satisfy sight.” His question was clear. “Will you totally and completely trust me and my word? Choose.”
Do I listen to faith or sight? I chose faith. In that choice, I signed up to behave or live according to faith not what I see. Yes, I gather all the information from the doctors. I ask questions to understand what the doctors are doing. I then turn all that over to God and remind Him what He said.
Until God says something different, I am expecting everything that He said in Psalm 91. My husband fulfills the conditions and I choose to trust God’s Word. It is my choice to live, walk, behave according to faith not just mentally believe.
We say what we are feeling. I hear you saying, “No, I don’t say what I am feeling because that would stir up a whole lot of trouble.” I beg to disagree. Your mouth may not say it but your face, your eyes, the twist of your mouth, and even the way you sit or stand says so much more. Have you ever listened to someone say all the right words but you didn’t believe anything they said. Sometimes it is because of your attitude but most times it is because you got the message that their body was sending.
While Yshua (Jesus) was teaching about our words condemning or justifying us, he made this statement.
“Either make the tree good, and the fruit good; or make the tree bad, and its fruit bad; the tree will be know by its fruit”
Usually we focus on the fruit but today the tree sat up and screamed, I am what’s important. If the tree is unhealthy, anything it produces is not profitable to anyone. You and I are the trees. If our insides are sick, filled with mean, unforgiving thoughts; if the growth and depth of our roots have been hindered by grudges and anger then no matter how nice we try to say it, the fruit we produce will be lacking in nourishment for ourselves or anyone around us. The messages we send verbally or bodily are the fruit our trees produce. A bad tree can produce something that looks like good fruit but when you bite into it you realize it is not good. That is much like the right sounding words we say but underneath them or embedded in them is all the rottenness housed inside us.
Let us let go of the anger, grudges, meanness, unforgiving evil thoughts.
Let the plant food of the Spirit and Word of God not be hindered in reaching the roots of our mind.
Let the leaves of your tree be green and full of life.
Let the shade your tree provides signal rest, refreshing, and peace.
Let the fruit from your tree bring nourishment: encouragement, compassion, truth, fairness and real love.
Let it be known that you are a good tree with good fruit.
Just in case you think I am excluding myself from these admonitions, know that they hit me first. I had to face myself in the mirror of these words.
What does the word sinner mean? We in Christiandom use that word so much to refer to those who have not accepted Jesus as the Christ, the Anointed One, our Lord and Savior. But what does it really mean?
My question was prompted by Jesus’ comment to the religious leaders who criticized Him for eating with tax-gathers and other such disreputable people. (FYI the tax-gatherers were not liked because in doing their job they gathered more than what was required and kept the difference. They cheated the people.)
The comment is recorded in Matthew 9:12-13.
Matthew 9:12-13 (YLT)
12 And Jesus having heard, said to them, `They who are whole have no need of a physician, but they who are ill;
13 but having gone, learn ye what is, Kindness I will, and not sacrifice, for I did not come to call righteous men, but sinners, to reformation.’
Matthew 9:12-13 (NKJV)
12 When Jesus heard that, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.
13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.’ For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”
So who is a sinner? I looked the word sinner up in the Strong’s Talking Greek & Hebrew Dictionary. The word simply meant sinner but the word it was derived from means to miss the mark or err.
I went back and looked at Jesus’ statement with this definition in mind. Jesus told the religious leaders that His interest and attention would be given to those who had missed the mark or erred. Since they thought they were so righteous clearly they did not need His attention. The irony is they had missed the mark. They had erred.
If they had understood that God required kindness above sacrifice, they never would have asked that question.
If they had understood God wanted those who had missed the mark or erred to have a course correction in their lives, they would have understood what their job really was.
They would also have understood that they fit into the “missed the mark” category.
How many of us who are professed followers of Christ have “missed the mark”? Yes, we are in the family but we still make erroneous decisions. We still mess up sometimes. We still miss the mark. Have we, like those religious leaders, not realized that in all our religiocity we have not shown mercy and kindness to people?
We disassociate ourselves from those who need His love and mercy calling ourselves righteous when in fact we are called to associate for the purpose of sharing with others that forgiveness and reforming power we say we have experienced.
Have we missed the mark? Have we erred?
Something to think about. Assess your life.
You left me
You left a hole in my essence.
Grands tried to take your place.
They loved me.
Taught me.
Comforted me.
Where were you?
You left me.
The influence of your leaving
Powerful!
I didn’t know how much Until
I madeall those stupid relationship decisions
Looking for you.
You left me.
I loved a man that I thought I would marry.
When he left me
The impact of your leaving grew greater.
That hole you made grew larger and colder.
Your leaving, his leaving had such a hold on me
That my whole being ached.
You left me.
That day I stood over you
And realized I did not know you
Just as you did not know me.
You lay in that casket a stranger.
Father, I realized you finally
LEFT ME,
FINALLY,
I Forgive You.
Who are the Pharisees? The particular group that I am referring to are the religious leaders of Israel during Jesus’ time. They were the gatekeepers of Israelite Law as prescribed by the Mosaic and Levitcal Law. By this time they had taken a serious responsibility and perverted it for selfish power plays. They talked a good game but their behavior did not match. There were those who mistreated the people and used the Law to justify their actions. Sound familiar? I am not taking on all the things involved but there is a sharp comparison to the current behavior of “us Christians.” It is what I call the Pharisee Syndrome.
Have you noticed how the world lumps all Christians together under the “Right Wing, Evangelical, Tea Party Banner”? I find it a major insult. Being a believer in the Bible and a disciple of Christ has become an ugly, dirty thing. I understand why the world would think that. I thought about their expectations and decided they should expect us to be under the same banner but not that one. The banner we should be grouped under is the truth of the Word. The practice and teachings of the Christ. I have not found anywhere in the Word where He selectively hated people while justifying His hatred with Himself (The Living Word of God).
Those under that hateful banner are behaving just like the Pharisees. I am holy speaking but not holy behaving. When Jesus said if you lift me up, I will draw all men (mankind) to me, He wasn’t just talking about what we tell people but how we show people. If my God is a God of Righteous love and judgement then that is what they should see in my behavior.
If I, we, live what we say we believe the way He lived, doing what He did, the way He did it we would be respected even though we may be “hated and persecuted.” At least then it would be for “righteousness sake” and not because we were the initiators of the hatred.
Let’s not be like the scribes and the Pharisees. Let our righteousness exceed theirs.
Matthew 5:20 (ESV)
20 For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
We were commanded to Go, tell, baptize teach, and love. The rest is God’s job. Let’s let Him do it. We might find a great weight lifted when we stop trying to do God’s job. Stress reduced!
Side Note:
Just like all Christians are not right wing, tea party hate-filled people, not all Pharisees were like this. There were some who lived the Law the way God intended.
I was listening to a minister the other day trying to explain to his congregation that we live under grace and not under the law. For those of you who are not Christians, he was referring to Ten Commandments and the Levitical laws listed in the Old Testament. That statement has always sent me into a “thought wilderness.” I mean my thoughts are wandering around my head seeking answers to things that don’t make sense. Here is my quandary.
The Word says God cannot lie and He doesn’t change. The Word says that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. So if He doesn’t change, how are we not under His law?
Next set of thoughts. Jesus was born into a Hebrew family who taught Him the law. He lived the law. He taught the law, Everything He taught was in agreement with the law. That makes sense, since He is the Living Word of God. He had to be consistent with Himself. So if He lived the law and said that He did not come to abolish the law but to complete it. How then are we not under the law?
Next thought. The Apostle Paul was the one who made the statement, “….we are not under the law but under grace.” However, Paul said he was a Jew educated by Gamaliel and could boast of knowing the law more than most. Looking closely at the context I could see his teaching did not contradict the law. Putting on Christ, taking off the works of the flesh are in agreement with the Sermon on the Mount and the Ten Commandments. So what did Paul mean when he made these statement?
Romans 6:12-17 (KJV)
12 Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.
13 Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.
14 For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.
As I contemplated that question, it came to me. I believe God dropped it in my thoughts. Is it possible and even more likely that Paul was trying to explain to those who would have understood his phrasing or colloquialism as to how they should live and why. In the context Paul is explaining to the Christians in Rome that when a decision to truly follow the Christ is made our nature, our spirit changes. It becomes an internal thing. Our thinking changes, therefore, our behavior changes. He also explains that we are empowered by God to accomplish this. It comes from the inside, the very essence of our being.
We are not driven to obey God because it is the law. Instead we are motivated by His grace shown to us. His undeserved favor towards me is my motivation.
He cares for me because He loves me not because I did something to deserve it. In fact if He gave me what I deserved, I would be dead. I obey God because I appreciate Him. I reverence Him. I love Him. If I were God that would be desired so much more than someone obeying me because they were compelled to follow a law. One way facilitates intimacy and relationship. The other provokes you to respond to a legalistic check list. God did not change. He did not make His law irrelevant. We are still judged by the law but He administers justice through the filter of grace. Therefore,
I am under grace.
Driven to live His standards because of His GRACE.
Yesterday, I felt the lonliness and foreboding reflected in hsteinhayer101’s post This Is Really Bad. The story was told so well that I felt I was there. The “not knowing what to do” and the danger of making the wrong choice touched me. Her situation was far more serious and intense but her words took me back to my front porch over 30 years ago. My world was dark and lonely. It should have been one of the happiest times of my life. I had a newborn son, a wonderful husband and a helpful daughter. Nevertheless, my world was dark and lonely. The one overshadowing thing about depression is feeling all alone. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was suffering from Postpartum Depression. I just knew I wanted to end my life because for some reason I thought my family would be better off without me.
hsteinhayer101’s decision was choosing the correct place to sit. My decision was which direction to run that would guarantee getting far away to kill myself or be killed. I lived near two very busy streets that had a lot of traffic. A woman walking down the street in a thin nightgown would draw attention. It sounds silly now but that night I would have appeared to be a runaway from a mental asylum and the police would have picked me up. My husband found me and held me. I didn’t even know how to accept that at first. I felt he had spoiled my plans. When you are depressed and in that deep. dark place all you see is how good ending it all would be.
So many of us suffer from mental dis-ease and don’t realize it. We don’t consider depression from job loss or grief from a death mental dis-ease but it is. It may not last long or be as intense as others that cause them to seek escape in drugs or the control from another person.
I thank my husband and my Lord for bringing me through that time. The shadows of depression still linger just on the outskirts of my consciousness but I recognize it. It will not conquer me.
Many of us who are Christians have heard and clung to the statement, “For I know the plans I have for you.” Jeremiah 29:11 We use it to explain why we should have hope and not give up when things go bad. It is a comfort during those times because it reminds us that God has our back and all of this is a part of His plan. I have found comfort from it while waiting for direction. But is that all it means? Is that the only lesson we can learn from it?
To answer these questions, I went back a few chapters to get the context. As I suspected, we have missed the full impact of this statement.
It all comes down to a promise, the conditions and consequences of not fulfilling the conditions. God promised Judah that He would not bring calamity on them if they turned back to Him. He desired them to keep His statues and commandments and serve Him only. If they chose to continue to disobey Him, He would gather the nations from the north to attack and King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to enslave them for 70 years. It is recorded that the king, prophets and priests of Judah chose to continue to disobey God. God promised to destroy the king and those who did not go into captivity as He directed. Those who did go into captivity were promised time to return to God, to get to know Him and once again be His people and He their God. The captives were to build homes and grow their families as if they were home in their homeland. During this time they would learn of Him, they would seek Him call on Him and learn to serve Him with their whole being. Then they would be His people and He their God. At the end of the 70 years He would restore everything to them. This was His plan for His people.
For those of us who believe we the inheritors of Abraham’s and his descendants promises by faith we can learn much from Judah’s experience. If we keep the word of God that we say we believe, He will not bring calamity on us. If we choose to disobey Him count on being punished. Our captivity can be a variety of things, manifested in a variety of ways. We can become captive to habits, mental illness, anger, resentment, depression, poor finances or bad relationships. During this time, use it to get to know your God and return completely to Him. Know that He is keeping all of your “good stuff” safe and protected while you are learning. It will all be restored. This is His plan for you and me.
I awaken yesterday morning from a very interesting dream. I was driving down from the mountains in my VW Bug. It was forecasted to snow that evening and I wanted to get home before it did. I left early enough according to the forecast but the snow came earlier and stronger than they predicted. Visibility diminished quickly. I tried to continue but I couldn’t see. Suddenly, I heard a voice say “Stop.” I thought, “In the middle of the road?Some other driver may hit me. ” Then I heard the voice say louder, “Stop!” So I stopped. I want you to know, there was no one human in the car with me or outside the car. After I came to a complete stop, the voice said,
“Leave your engine running, turn off your lights and turn your heat down to a comfortable but low temperature.”
I was bewildered, and somewhat anxious but I obeyed the voice. Then the voice said,
” Get out and pour salt around your tires and a few feet in front and behind the car and along side your door.
I obeyed. By this time I had decided this must be God because there was no other explanation. I sat in my car and covered up in my blanket. Yeah, where did a blanket come from? I, peacefully, fell asleep. I slept the rest of the night and was awaken by the noise of the snow plows that were clearing the highway. There was a tapping on my window. It was one of the drivers who said, he was able to distinguish the shape of the car because the snow did not completely cover me. What was he talking about. I got out and saw that my car should have been completely covered to look like the snow bank. It was the salt. Around my car, the snow melted immediately, and did not form one mound. Then I woke up.
This was very bizarre. My first thought.
First of all why would I have salt in the car? Another thing, I don’t own a VW Bug. The other odd thing is there were chains on the tires. I don’t live in the snow. Why would I have these things?
I lay in my bed thinking about it. This was a very vivid, detailed dream and that usually means God is trying to tell me something. But, What? Is an early storm coming? Am I in the midst of the storm now? Is it someone else’s storm since I don’t own those things? Don’t know.
I concluded, that regardless, I was instructed how to handle the storm. I was protected during the storm, I was delivered from the storm and I was not alone. My All Sufficient, Self-Existing, Omnipresent God was with me.
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