self care

Day 4: Self Care: Not So Easy

by ladypbwiggins

Self Care. That’s what I was told I needed to do. But just like a doctor telling a patient to eat right without an eating plan or what eating right looks like, telling me I needed to self care without offering a plan or what it should look like. I know the admonishments were for my good and they meant well but sometimes you just can’t get a handle on what you are suppose to do to correct your situation. My eldest gave me a massage treatment gift and it was wonderful. If my budget allows I may make it a monthly or bi-monthly thing. That alone is just a bandaid. To alleviate the source of my issues more must be done. I am returning to our raw eating plan, at least 90%. I made scheduling my day to get at least 6 hours of restful sleep. I am taking breaks after each major activity. I am EXERCISING. All of these are necessary for my self care. Yet, I haven’t figured out how to relieve the stress. It’s as if the release valve on my pressure cooker is stuck and releases the pressure too slow. The main source of my stress is not going away so I have to find a way to unstick the valve.

I am told self care means making yourself a priority. I get that but how do you accomplish that when something else has a higher priority , time wise, over the course of the day and you are exhausted at the end of the day. There is little energy left for self care. I am trying to create a plan that takes care of my responsibilities and place myself high on the list as well. It is not as easy as it sounds. I trust God to guide me.

After I finished the with the tags, the two thought came to me, that self care was doing what makes you feel good in addition to all the above stated healthy things. The other was self care stems from self love.What makes me feel good? What gives me the most joy? What could I do all day and enjoy even after I get tired? Thanks Lord. How do I weave it into my day? I have always struggled with loving myself. Or at least showing love to myself in a tangible way. This is the war I have to win. It is time. The struggle has gone on too long. Silence the negative voices in my head and replace them with the few positive thing said. Most of all replace them with the two most powerful voices in my life. Mine and the Lord’s. He said a lot of positive things about me. I am the negative one. I have to come to agreement with God. I embrace me. I have said this before but now is the time I need to stick with it until it manifest and the voices are silenced. This is the best care I can give to myself. Everything else will fall in line. Thanks Chef Babette for the inspiration.

Refined and Polished

by ladypbwiggins

Yesterday I celebrated my 70th birthday. Today is the beginning of my 71st year of life. Leading up to this time I had determined that it was time to re-invent myself. I planned to address my insecurities that are responsible for me living an impactless life. My plans have changed some what. Yesterday as part of my birthday celebration my baby daughter orchestrated a video presentation. She invited my family and people she knows have known me for a long time to express how I had impacted their life and to share a memory. I sat there listening to those who shared and thought I didn’t know they felt like that. I was just being me. Some cited incidents that they felt showed my strength. I felt they just seemed to me in trouble and caused people to dislike me. i really thought I was just tolerated because I was attached to Carl. I thought who are they talking about. They believe that I am strong. One even said I was fierce. I had been shot down and stomped on so often that I felt like there really was no reason that I should be using up the space and air others could have benefited from. To some extent this attitude caused me to deny myself of things I wanted or the quality of things I did get.

My friends and family have a different opinion of me. For that I am grateful and thankful. I awoke this morning realizing I like their view, their perspective. I have purposed to see myself through their eyes, I have decided not to re-invent myself. Apparently the core of who they see is who I wanted to be. Therefore I will leave the essence of who I am unchanged. I an asking for Yaweh’s help to refine that which needs refining and polish that which needs to shine brighter.

I am renewing my thinking about myself . I purpose to give myself the same grace and compassion that I give others. I give my best to others and now I purpose to give it to myself. I am moving myself up on my list . Oh, don’t worry. I am not going to become haughty and self-centered. I’m just going to treat myself better. I know this is not going to be something that happens overnite but I am beginning.

This post is my first step. Now you all know and those near and dear will hold me accountable, Second step is to become more consistent with my Bible study. Thirdly, I will wear more of what I like. People have seen glimpses of my style but not on a consistent level or the quality that I really like. I spent the money on my kids and my husband. They were in the public eye more than I. Really, who neede to dress up to clean bathrooms. 😀 The kids are grown and hubby is no longer Pastor Carl and community activist. I am making it my turn now. Not making do any more. I’ve wanted to sew, so sew I will. Before the pandemic I had lost weight and was wearing clothes that I loved. I had replaced the fat clothes. Over this last year of isolation, I have regained the weight. Food was my only physical comfort. I will eliminate the vegan fast food and return to the healthier versions. I will lose the weight again but I will dress the fat body well in the mean time. Not waiting.

Let the refining and polishing begin. 70 is the new 40.

Intentionally My Time!

by ladypbwiggins

It’s amazing how a health scare will bring your life choices into perspective. You would think with all that we have been through with Carl’s health issues this would be something I would have done before. But it was his health that was the focus. Everything that was done was done to improve his health and any benefit I received was tangential. Recently I had a scare. Blood vessels in my eye bled and filled the viscous fluid with blood. It also formed a blob that is still present but seems to be diminishing. I hope it is not wishful thinking. A vitrectomy was performed to remove the fluid and replace it. I have limited vision in my left eye because of the blob. What other damage may have been done is unknown at this time. More assessments will be done soon. So what caused this? I thought it was caused by a reaction to some medication that I was taken for polyneuropathy in my feet. No I am not diabetic. I did have other reactions to that drug but it did not cause the bleeding. I discovered on the day of the procedure that I had been living in a hypertensive crisis state. That is stroke or death level. My blood pressure was so high they couldn’t perform the surgery. The surgery was delayed to get that under controlled. In the mean time I had to live with the thought of possibly losing my sight in that eye. Getting proper medication to accommodate the surgery was an adventure in itself. The first medication interfered with the anesthesia so I had to quickly get it changed so my pressure would be down in time. The meds that worked made me sick so after the surgery I went back to the first one. All that time I thought I was just extremely tired. I knew I needed rest but the blood pressure made it critical.

The Change

My son asked a question of me today that made me really think about my level of self care. He said mom why are you so intent on worrying if I’m comfortable. I told you I was fine. Is it because you are insecure? The truth is deep down inside I have always felt I was not worth it. Everyone else was more important. Looking back on my life I realize I have given all my energy to taking care of someone else. It’s not a bad thing, It’s just a “didn’t prioritize me” thing. I gave me the leftover energy and usually there wasn’t very much left. I don’t regret giving myself to others. I just regret I didn’t take care of me at the same level.

So what am I going to do about it. My daughters, especially the youngest has been preaching the mom you are worth it sermom for a while now. I had intention to change my self care but I guess I needed this to kick me into gear. I am going to be selfish. Some say I already am but they don’t really know me. I am going to be intentional about the choices for my own health and well-being.

Several years ago we changed our dietary lifestyle for Carl’s health. We have slacked a little but now there will be intentional focus for my health. I hate taking pills and I refuse to be on blood pressure medication the rest of my life. I will be under a doctor’s care, so don’t freak out. I know blood pressure can be regulated with food. Dr. Montgomery, Carl’s cardiologist will now be mine. I am going to him to check my heart. I want to be sure that hypertensuve state didn’t damage my heart. I will rely on him to help me wean off the blood pressure meds. I have alreay begun PRP therapy for my back. It seems my spine is in bad condition. I will resume the hobbies I put on hold for my mental health. This is my intentional beginning.

My vision is blurring now so I will end with this.

Don’t wait for something dangerous to happen to get you to accept your worth. Take care of yourself.

MY TIME INTENTIONALLY!

Just for Me

by ladypbwiggins

This last week I have begun preparations for my church family’s annual Daniel Fast. I already lead a plant-based dietary lifestyle. So, what to do? I decided to go back to raw vegan meals, especially a week of smoothies.

Along with thoughts about food, I looked at my life this year. What would I change? What would I add? My assessment continually asked “But what have you done just for you?” I heard all my children’s voices asking, Mom what did you do for you?

I realize I have a difficult time to do for me. So I’ve decided to do more just for me in 2020. I now have to figure out what that looks like.

Any thoughts?

Watch “The Sandbox was Before That” on YouTube

by ladypbwiggins

Still feeling the results if the conference. My soil has been greatly enriched by this experience. In addition I developed new relationships and made others stronger.