God’s promises

Humility Lesson #2

by ladypbwiggins

God didn’t we do this already? Thought I had learned this lesson. When you lose everything except your family and your life, you learn humility. At least I thought that is what I learned. See now I have to get the definition of humility. Maybe that is not what I was learning at all.The definition I found for humility is being modest or having a low view of your own importance. That doesn’t sit well with me. It kind of sounds like to have humility is to believe your are not worth anything. I like better the biblical definition. Humility seems to be described as not being arrogant or prideful. When you lose everything there is very little to be prideful about. So what lesson am I learning.

During my husband’s Los Angeles hospital stay, I was in a car accident that totaled my car. I had to rely on others to get me to the hospital cross town. Losing my independence made it very clear. I never learned to rely on other people the way that I have had to do in this last few weeks. It was very difficult to ask people to drive me to the hospital or grocery store or even to the post office. I felt I was imposing on their time and schedules. The most recent and hard hitting part of this lesson was to find out people loved me enough to give so generously. I knew they loved my husband like that but I never believed I was a significant part of that equation. One of my church sisters’ words hit me in the back of my head (she was sitting behind me when she spoke). She said

“I am blessed that you allowed us to help.” Wham!

I allowed you to help and you feel blessed.

The next blow to my emotions came when I received gifts as a result of my daughter’s fundraising efforts to purchase a vehicle. I don’t know who gave but there are two that I never would have expected sent gifts. The last powerful blow came when some friends assisted in purchasing my new car. I won’t go into details because they want to remain anonymous but suffice it to say, it was way beyond anything I would have expected to be done for me. Accepting their gift was humbling but it was more than that. I was opening up to receive God’s love through two of His children and I was allowing them the opportunity to share His love.

This was the real life expression of God keeping His word that if you give, He would give back to you in “good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over shall men (people) give into your bosom.” That has certainly happened to me and I am still overwhelmed. I feel like I have been run over by an 18 wheeler loaded with love.

I guess my humility lesson is learning how to receive through people what God has promised. To everyone who has blessed us, who has loved us

Thank You!

I Can’t Imagine!

by ladypbwiggins

This morning I awakened with thoughts on some things I was experiencing and how those same things were perceived by those around me. I realized my behavior was based on what God said and not what I saw. I had finally matched my behavior with my belief and found only a few people would understand. As I pondered this revelation about myself, my definition of Faith began to form.

Faith is living in a space where

  • the impractical becomes what is practical;
  • the unrealistic becomes what is realistic and real;
  • the impossible becomes what is possible;
  • the limited becomes what is unlimited, the boundaries of possibilities are removed.

Faith allows you to fly free expecting everything to happen in ways you never thought. Is that what the scripture that says

But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”—   these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.   1 Corinthians 2:9-10 (ESV)

means? I am excited to see what God has prepared for me and my husband and those who are living or learning to live in the Faith Space.

I feel like a bird must feel when it takes flight and sees well beyond the limited view it previously had. In the Faith Space the only boundary is God and I can’t even imagine what He has prepared. He even said that His thoughts are not my thoughts. So from my puny perspective there are no boundaries only exciting experiences.

The fear of the unknown is slowly being replaced with the excited expectation of God doing the impossible and revealing to me what only can be seen “through the Spirit” in the Faith Space.

Many of you know that I am believing God for total healing and restoration for my husband. Everyday I see improvement where some others only see what has not improved. But God’s latest move is buying us a car. I left home planning to check out a certified used vehicle in my budget range. I prayed that God would slam the door shut and lock it on the vehicles that were not His choice. I walked away with a new vehicle, never owned by anyone at the same price of the used one. I never imagined. This is just one of the things He has prepared for us. My next adventure is discovering how God plans to pay for it because the previous source seems to be drying up but then even that might be a mirage in the Faith Space.

I now live in the realm of expectation called the Faith Space.

P.S. It is not always easy living in this space but it is never boring.

“Moment” Lessons

by ladypbwiggins

It has been almost two months since my husband’s heart attack. There have been so many life changing moments since that night. Each moment was a lesson in seeing through the lens of “Cause God Said So!”

One Specific Lesson Moment

I thought the hardest part was during the attacks. Little did I know the hardest times would be dealing with medical professionals. What made that so hard you might ask?

Attitude!

Yes, attitude; mine and theirs.

I have met some really great professionals during this journey and I am very grateful to them. But…

I have met some really arrogant “professionals.” Some doctors think their degree and training elevated them to a position higher than God. They believe they are infallible. They do not treat people but diseases. The most arrogant and collectively obnoxious was a skilled neurological team that did not see my husband the man but a specimen that needed to be commanded into some pre-defined category. They didn’t even regard the observations of the nurses on the team who were the front line for gathering intel. It never occurred to them that the person they were commanding was really manipulating them. Had they considered the man and the comments of the nurses, they would have known there was more to know.

These doctors decided that my husband’s mental condition was frail and we should accept that he is just barely above “vegetative” status. They said this in his presence. Now I must tell you that their job was to determine if he was mentally capable of understanding instructions to take care of a defibrillator implant. It turns out, he did not want the surgery. (He had a tracheotomy so he couldn’t verbally tell us) He decided to behave in a manner consistent with their findings when they came in to evaluate him. It became a very entertaining time for us and the nursing staff. We watched my husband transition from a very engaging, communicative, responsive man to a near zombie when they walked into the room. When they left, he returned to that communicative, responsive man. Now tell me, who was commanding whom?

My lesson was more about me than them. I wanted to tell them how arrogant they were. I wanted to remind them that they did not know everything and they should learn to listen to others. I wanted to remind them that they were just practicing and God was holding the deity spot for himself. That was what I wanted. God’s Spirit kept me quiet and showed me my unbecoming attitude. There was a better way to handle this. It came in the form of a survey.

More importantly, my attitude changed. I realized I could not change them in a state of anger. I realized I could not change them at all. That is God’s job. My job was to advocate for my husband with respect, God’s wisdom, firmness and love. It has been hard. I haven’t always succeeded but I am getting there.

I have so many more “moment” lessons to share but this one seems ongoing. I am sure it will pop up again. It is all about the attitude.

Because God Said So!

by ladypbwiggins

On March 26, 2015, my husband had a heart attack. While the paramedics worked to revive him, I prayed.

Lord, if it is his time, I don’t want him to suffer. If it is not, please heal him completely.

At that moment, he was revived and breathing on his own. God said it wasn’t his time. The scripture God gave me was Psalm 91.

It basically says, the one who sits down in the hiding place of the most High God shall stop and remain in the shade of protection that He provides. David, the writer, lists benefits of being in the shade of the Almighty. Conditions and the outcome of fulfilling those conditions are given. This is the part I felt was speaking of Carl.

Because he (Carl) has set his love on Me (God), I will deliver and protect Him.

When he calls me I will answer.

When he is in trouble I will rescue him and honor him

With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation (deliverance, victory and prosperity)

I was and am determined to believe if God allowed David to experience that, he was telling me that Carl would also. You may think I am crazy but I believe God. He Said So!

As the days went by I held on to that belief and accepted every small progress toward healing as confirmation and then he acquired pneumonia. I wasn’t shaken, it was just a delay. It turned out to be a long, intensely trying, delay.

On April 16 there was another cardiac attack. I watched as the team in ICU worked on him. I couldn’t believe all those people and machines got in that already filled room. The quickness and precision with which they moved was mind-blowing. It was a very organized, efficient, chaos. After he was revived, I sat wondering if I heard God wrong because this was not looking so good. Somewhere in there I realized Psalm 91 applied to me also. I asked God to clear up my confusion. The next day, Carl had another attack. I watched the team go into action. Suddenly the Code Blue light and alarm went off. One of the nurses said they were not needed. He had revived himself. They were amazed because they knew his heart was too weak to do that.

Many of you would say he was lucky. I say God answered my prayer. He showed me that he was doing a healing work in Carl and to trust him. To confirm this, one of my church sisters came to visit that Saturday and she read a scripture that she felt strongly was given to her regarding Carl. It was Psalm 41. Again a condition and a promise.

Psalm 41:1-3 (NKJV)
1  Blessed is he who considers the poor; The LORD will deliver him in time of trouble.
2  The LORD will preserve him and keep him alive, And he will be blessed on the earth; You will not deliver him to the will of his enemies.
3  The LORD will strengthen him on his bed of illness; You will sustain him on his sickbed

Carl slept. I fought a different kind of battle while he slept. I talked about it in The Battle post. I will just say here that it was hard and hard fought. However, I learned a lot. A day or so passed and I prayed another prayer. This time it was Lord, how long should I let him stay on these machines. He doesn’t want to live like this. Is he still with us and will he have a good quality of life after it is all over? All these things I cried out to God about because he promised to answer me. When I got to the hospital, Carl was sitting up, eyes wide open and smiling at the nurse. God answered.

So here we are, almost a month later, with him still on the ventilator but there is no arterial blockage. The doctors’ plan of attack is to make his heart strong enough to get a defibrilator implanted. My plan is to watch God restore his heart completely to newness. That was what I asked for in the first place, complete healing. I had another lesson to learn during all of this. It is not enough to see God work and believe while looking at your circumstance. Walking by faith in its purest state is not seeing the circumstance but seeing beyond it. Seeing only what God said regardless of what everything looks like around you. God defies our reasoning.

Has Carl been healed? Not according to the doctors. BUT… I see a perfectly pumping heart in the chest of the man I love and it is simply because

God said so!

Faith or Sight? Choose!

by ladypbwiggins

Several years ago I posted this during a personal medical crisis. I felt led to repost as a reminder to me and other believers as we walk through this most recent national health crisis.

7 For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7 NKJV

I have heard that scripture cited so very much over my life. I even thought I knew what it meant. I thought….

On Friday, April 10, 2015 I realized I didn’t get it before. God said to me “Your behavior does not match your words. Are you really walking by faith or are you really walking by sight wrapped in limited faith.”

Let me give you some context.

At Eagles Wings Christian Church, we have been focusing a lot lately on “Walking by Faith, Not by Sight.” There are new activities that we want to accomplish and it will require faith to do it.

On Sunday, March 1, 2015, God spoke through our praise leader that everything would be alright. She uncontrollably kept repeating “everything will be alright.” We said Amen. What we didn’t understand that a few short minutes later, the pastor, my husband, would pass out just before taking the pulpit. Apparently, his blood pressure dropped and so did he. The emergency response team was called and he was revived and taken to the hospital. That morning the believers swarmed him with prayer. I felt no fear just prayerful power. After all we had been told “everything would be alright.”

The teachings continued and we as a church expected every week for a miracle. Little did we know God had an object lesson planned. On March 26th, God’s lesson began. “In That Moment” and “After the First Moment” tell the story so I invite you to read those posts.

This is where the Friday conversation becomes relevant. We talked about walking by faith and not by sight at church and among believers. That basically means we live, make decisions based on the faith that we have in some thing or someone not by what we observe in the circumstance. The scripture that was laid on my mind when my husband had his heart attack was Psalm 91 especially verses 14-16. I told everyone that I was standing in faith on this scripture for my husband’s recovery.

Here was my contradiction.

Sight said

He had a loss of oxygen. Brain damage

His heart has a 10-20% refraction – doesn’t pump blood strongly enough

Needs a defibrillator or other surgery

Prognosis is not so good.

The practical and realistic thinking person says let’s do what is medically necessary to save and improve his life. I mean it is reasonable right?

Faith says Psalm 91

Psalm 91:14-16 (NKJV)
14 “Because he has set his love upon Me,

therefore I will deliver him;

I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will deliver him

and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,

And show him My salvation.”

God said “You said Psalm 91 was your faith anchor while you make preparations to satisfy sight.” His question was clear. “Will you totally and completely trust me and my word? Choose.”

Do I listen to faith or sight? I chose faith. In that choice, I signed up to behave or live according to faith not what I see. Yes, I gather all the information from the doctors. I ask questions to understand what the doctors are doing. I then turn all that over to God and remind Him what He said.

Until God says something different, I am expecting everything that He said in Psalm 91. My husband fulfills the conditions and I choose to trust God’s Word. It is my choice to live, walk, behave according to faith not just mentally believe.

For I Know The Plans I Have For You

by ladypbwiggins

Many of us who are Christians have heard and clung to the statement, “For I know the plans I have for you.” Jeremiah 29:11  We use it to explain why we should have hope and not give up when things go bad. It is a comfort during those times because it reminds us that God has our back and all of this is a part of His plan. I have found comfort from it while waiting for direction. But is that all it means? Is that the only lesson we can learn from it?

To answer these questions, I went back a few chapters to get the context. As I suspected, we have missed the full impact of this statement.

 It all comes down to a promise, the conditions and consequences of not fulfilling the conditions. God promised Judah that He would not bring calamity on them if they turned back to Him. He desired them to keep His statues and commandments and serve Him only.  If they chose to continue to disobey Him, He would gather the nations from the north to attack and King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to enslave them for 70 years. It is recorded that the king, prophets and priests of Judah chose to continue to disobey God. God promised to destroy the king and those who did not go into captivity as He directed. Those who did go into captivity were promised time to return to God, to get to know Him and once again be His people and He their God. The captives were to build homes and grow their families as if they were home in their homeland. During this time they would learn of Him, they would seek Him call on Him and learn to serve Him with their whole being. Then they would be His people and He their God. At the end of the 70 years He would restore everything to them. This was His plan for His people.

For those of us who believe we the inheritors of Abraham’s and his descendants promises by faith we can learn much from Judah’s experience. If we keep the word of God that we say we believe, He will not bring calamity on us. If we choose to disobey Him count on being punished. Our captivity can be a variety of things, manifested in a variety of ways. We can become captive to habits, mental illness, anger, resentment, depression, poor finances or bad relationships. During this time, use it to get to know your God and return completely to Him. Know that He is keeping all of your “good stuff” safe and protected while you are learning. It will all be restored. This is His plan for you and me.

Was He Preparing Me?

by ladypbwiggins

Today, I watched a video about mental illness and mental wellness. As I watched my mind drifted back to my childhood and I got a powerful jolt. Was God preparing me for this new direction in my life even then? Let me explain.

The last few years I have been involved with the African American Family Wellness Group which is the black cultural competency component for the Department of Mental Health. My interest in joining the group was birthed in my dealing with the young men and women that participated in our after school program. These children had varying mental wellness issues. Some were diagnosed as ADHD; others had image problems that resulted in acting out. Still others were academically deficient but there was no learning disability present. They got behind in their grade level, behaved badly and ended up in special education where they continued to slide down that slope to dropout land. That just exacerbated the problem which were originally unnoticed, unattended, emotional problems stemming from family drama, bullying or some other trauma. I realized that the parents of these kids needed help so they could help their children.

I never had any intent to get involved in mental health. Like most people, when mental illness is mentioned I thought of the clinically insane, mentally challenged people that need medication, continuing therapy and observation and possibly institutionalizing. That was my experience.
When I was a young child, one of our neighbors gathered us neighborhood kids up to take us to entertain people in the minimum security section of the local mental hospital. We called her and the ladies with her, The Gray ladies, because they wore gray uniforms. I knew we made the people happy but I didn’t like it when they wanted to hug us and kiss on us. It was creepy. But we had to let them to a point. We were shown how to minimize their contact without hurting their feelings.  Was this the first step in my training?

My next phase of training occurred at age 16. A government employment program designed for underprivileged kids (aka black kids) was the tool used. We were assigned to the Park and Recreation department of Bryce Mental Hospital. Yes, the very same hospital with the Gray Ladies. We assisted the psychologists and therapists with physical activities and games. That was a very educational summer. Our clients included the criminally insane, nymphomaniacs, manic depressives, schizophrenics, and a young lady of society placed there because she embarrassed her parents by getting pregnant.

My last phase at this hospital was while I was in college. I was employed as a file clerk. Phase Three. I worked directly with the Supervising doctor and his nurses. I had access to all their records. That is why I was amazed that I didn’t know the gentleman who cleaned my office was a paranoid schizophrenic with homicidal tendencies until my last day there. I knew he was ill but I never had a reason to fear him. That day he asked me if there was anything he could do for me, my office, before Monday. I told him I would not be back. It was my last day because I had to return to college. He lost it. I was trapped in my office. He never threaten me. My fear or panic was short lived. I felt sad that I had triggered him. He was whisked away to be medicated.

Was I being prepared for this next phase in my life? I have a passion for the mental wellness of Black male kids and their families. I want to interrupt the prison pipeline. I want to restore their esteem and understanding that they were created for greatness not prison slavery. I want to wake up my community to the power they possess to change these dynamics. I want to save their lives.

I am more awakened and ready for this journey. Let’s do this, God. Thanks for preparing me, even when I could not recognize your hand or your presence.

In the Midst of the Storm

by ladypbwiggins

I awaken yesterday morning from a very interesting dream. I was driving down from the mountains in my VW Bug. It was forecasted to snow that evening and I wanted to get home before it did. I left early enough according to the forecast but the snow came earlier and stronger than they predicted. Visibility diminished quickly. I tried to continue but I couldn’t see. Suddenly, I heard a voice say “Stop.” I thought, “In the middle of the road?Some other driver may hit me. ” Then I heard the voice say louder, “Stop!” So I stopped. I want you to know, there was no one human in the car with me or outside the car. After I came to a complete stop, the voice said,

“Leave your engine running, turn off your lights and turn your heat down to a comfortable but low temperature.”

I was bewildered, and somewhat anxious but I obeyed the voice. Then the voice said,

” Get out and pour salt around your tires and a few feet in front and behind the car and along side  your door.

I obeyed. By this time I had decided this must be God because there was no other explanation. I sat in my car and covered up in my blanket. Yeah, where did a blanket come from? I, peacefully, fell asleep. I slept the rest of the night and was awaken by the noise of the snow plows that were clearing the highway. There was a tapping on my window. It was one of the drivers who said, he was able to distinguish the shape of the car because the snow did not completely cover me. What was he talking about. I got out and saw that my car should have been completely covered to look like the snow  bank. It was the salt. Around my car, the snow melted immediately, and did not form one mound. Then I woke up.

This was very bizarre. My first thought.

First of all why would I have salt in the car? Another thing, I don’t own a VW Bug. The other odd thing is there were chains on the tires. I don’t live in the snow.  Why would I have these things?

I lay in my bed thinking about it. This was a very vivid, detailed dream and that usually means God is trying to tell me something. But, What? Is an early storm coming? Am I in the midst of the storm now? Is it someone else’s storm since I don’t own those things? Don’t know.

I concluded, that regardless, I was instructed how to handle the storm. I was protected during the storm,  I was delivered from the storm and I was not alone. My All Sufficient, Self-Existing, Omnipresent God was with me.

I had peace in the midst of the storm.