The Adrian Petersen situation has stirred up a lot of controversy about spanking. I have been giving it some thought because I was spanked and I spanked my children. When I was a child we called it a “whuppin”. It hurt but I was never bruised. I never left bruises. So was it abusive or not?
I don’t think I abused my children. There was talking, explanation of why it was not acceptable behavior. There were timeouts and loss of privileges. Spanking was the last resort. Sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn’t. One child would respond positively and the other could care less. It was a situation by situation, child by child tightrope. What worked for one may not work for the other. I believe Mr. Petersen turning himself in was a cry for help. Think about it. How else would anyone know?

So what is the answer?

I don’t think there is one answer and we need to stop making it “one” answer. We need to learn and make informed decisions. Learn what you might ask.

1. First, learn your child. Talk with your child not at him or her. 
2. Actually listen to what they have to say. You might be surprised that their thinking might make sense even if it is not inline with your rules. At that point you can have a real teaching moment to help them understand why your rule is what it is and why you expect them to obey it. Most of our rules are for their protection.
3. Make the rules simple and easy to follow. Sometimes we make compound statements that confuses the child. It is not clear what you want done.
4. Make the consequences for disobedience clear and concise. 
5. Be consistent. If it is the rule stick to it even when you want to give them a break. Make sure the circumstances that will cause you to make it an exception truly warrants it and they understand that. Otherwise, you will be played like a violin because that is what they are good at.
6. If spanking is required, don’t do it in anger or frustration. Wait and calm down. There were times I was stressed out and tired and I wish I had given myself time to calm down.
7. If spanking has no affect on the child’s behavior, find another way to discipline the child. Continued spanking adds to your frustration and might become abusive. 
8. At this point go back to #1. Learn who your child is. Then you may discover the thing that can be used for non-corporeal punishment
9. In regards to our culture playing a part in our decision to spank, I believe understanding our culture pre- and post-slavery may remove or diminish the need for that kind of punishment.

Our Culture

Our anger and our children’s anger are rooted in our identity crisis. We don’t talk about that but it is my opinion that it plays a big role. Consider this:

1. My  ethnic identity was stripped. I can’t go back to Africa and find my ancestors home. Africa is a large continent made up of many countries. What tribe am I a part? 
2. I go back to Alabama the state of my families home but how do I know my family began there. Could have been sold from a Georgian plantation. But in school you want me to draw a family tree. Where are my roots? Frustration.
3. We tried to assimilate to be accepted by the majority culture. Straighten my hair because my natural hair is ugly and un-kept. Even now we have to fight to wear our hair in its natural state. We, the women, are told it is unprofessional.  Frustration and anger
4. My dark skin isn’t as acceptable as my lighter toned sisters and brothers. All things being equal the lighter skinned person will get the pick. Yet you spend much time in the sun to get brown, risking skin cancer.  Frustrating contradiction.
5. For those who drank the kool-aid and believed its lie, the truth revealed in the last 7 years says very little has changed. We are not in a post-racial America.  Anger and frustration.

This is why understanding our culture will, along with different discipline methods, give parents better choices. Their discipline toolbox would not be limited to “spanking like I was when I was a child.”

Back to Mr. Petersen

I believe Mr. Petersen and those in similar situations need to be helped not suspended or fired. Losing income just adds stress that may cause anxiety and may lead to abuse. There are classes out there and agencies to help parents and specifically fathers. I am certified to teach one such class, “Effective Black Parenting.” There are groups for fathers, where men talk to men. Two such agencies in the Inland Empire, CA are Street Positive and Fathers Time Fatherhood Academy. These groups are not limited to CA if you live elsewhere.

Help parents, help fathers. Encourage them to learn more. Parenting is an ongoing learning process and we should take advantage of the services that exist to help us. I must also add, don’t stop thinking. With all that you learn you must still make wise and reasonable choices for your individual child. In the end the children and the family in total are the beneficiaries. I think we all would prefer a proliferation of “Father of the Year” headlines.

Background

Sisera’s Mistake

Jael’s Strike

While Sisera slept, Jael took a spike and drove it through his temple until it came out the other side of his head. In that moment Jael became the deliverer of Israel and she received the glory. Until that moment she was a nobody, but she was available to God, informed of the situation and used what she had to take care of business.

It seems this is the season for challenges. We have the ice bucket challenge; the grateful challenge, face painting challenge, word challenge and I am sure there are others I don’t know about. I have a challenge. That is true on so many levels. 😀  Seriously, my challenge to you is “Reducing our stress level.”

Did you take the Life Stress test? If you didn’t here is another opportunity. Lifestresstest  Just click, answer the questions and discover if you are on a path to sickness because of stress.

I am using The Recipe to Mental Health published by Albertsons, Inc. in 2006 as a guideline. This book was created by their pharmacists in Sav-On and Oxco Drugs stores. In spite of its evolutionary, transcendental feel, their approach is based in American Medicine with a little Alternative medicine flavoring. I was quite surprised about the latter since they were pharmacists.

I have created my stress reduction plan. I promised to share it so hear it is with a little information on why I added these things to it.

1. Learn to say “No.” I know I cannot do everything but sometimes all those yeses creep up on you and then you are overwhelmed. 
2. Prioritize what’s left in order of importance. Do you remember those Franklin Planners and its system. Why did I ever stop doing that? I was organized then.
3. Focus (think) on the good things. My good things of choice are found in Philippians 4 of the Bible. More on that later.
4. Plan. Make plans for dealing with upcoming situations that might prove to be stressful. Having a plan eliminates some of the stress.
5. Exercise. This could be stressful in itself. I know that it will reduce stress but I have such a hard time getting it done. I must plan to exercise an give it a high priority while I think of all the good things that will be accomplished. I will tell myself I am beating a pillow.
6. Eat healthy. All ready doing that but have to cut out some things that I let creep back in.
7. Do something I enjoy. I haven’t done any of my hobbies in a long time. I must put one of them on the list of things to do.
8. Be nice to myself. Lighten up on myself. I am my biggest critic.

That is what I need to do but what does it look like in practical application. Get out the calendar and layout exercise, meal and activity plan. Prioritize and get started.  Look out stress. I am coming for you!

To view this submission go to http://ladywiggins.blogspot.com/p/i-just-want-to-scream.html
I somehow used Pages instead of Post. Maybe I will copy it  here.

I Just Want To SCREAM!

I know you have felt and said that at some point in your life. Sometimes I just want to take a bat and beat something. I think about taking it out on a pillow or the weeds in my back yard but something needs to be hit. Why? I have all this pent up anxiety or anger that a good scream or slug would help. Don’t worry I don’t hit people or animals. I don’t even hit inanimate objects. I just want to sometimes.
Again, I ask, “Why?” I think one word describes it,STRESS.
So before, I continue my search into the world of mental dis-ease, I think stress is worth a look.

Stress can be defined as a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances. Simply said, “When you are under overwhelming pressure, you are stressed.”
It has been determined that stress either causes or has strong influence over many ailments of the body and mind. Stress has been associated with heart disease, irritable bowel syndrome, inflammatory bowel disease, diabetes, sleep dysfunction, depression, and eating disorders.

What do I do? Assess your stress.
 How do I determine my stress level?There are many stress assessment test out there but I used Organized Wisdom’s Life Stress Test. This is my result.

Life Stress Test

Written by Emily Lapkin, Medically reviewed by Scott Pearlman M.D.

You’re highly likely to develop a stress-triggered illness due to everything that’s going on in your life. However, your coping skills and the efforts you make to reduce stress can minimize this risk. Talk to a mental health professional if you need treatment. Support groups and convenient online forums can be beneficial, too. Common stress-related illnesses to watch out for include: 

• Back pain
• Common cold
• Ulcers
• Asthma
• Allergies
• Migraine
• Insomnia
• Chronic fatigue syndrome
• Anxiety
• Arthritis
• Diabetes
• Autoimmune diseases
• Depression
• Hypertension
• Obesity
• Heart disease
• Heart attack

Of these I have back pain, arthritis in some joints, obesity, and I was recently diagnosed with ulcers. I have moments of anxiety attacks when I feel overwhelmed with things to do. I sometimes have difficulty sleeping. It is not insomnia yet or if so it is very mild. Since I am subject to the other illnesses because of the stress in my life, I had better come up with a stress reduction plan. You noticed Depression is in the list.

Take the test. Determine your stress level with the Life Stress Test. Assessment.
Don’t get stressed out over the assessment.
Now that you know whether you are subject to any illnesses due to stress, you can make healthier decisions for your life.
I will share my plan as soon as I complete it. In the mean time I will be sharing more information on mental dis-eases.

 

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Depression came to visit this weekend. He received a spiritual cyber notification that the stage was  set for His visit. You noticed I said “he.”  🙂
The setting:

• Husband lied on and to
• Lie believed by persons who were trusted and thought would know better.
• Lie was never checked out to confirm veracity
• Integrity questioned
• Information withheld by those who could have informed us.
• Trust betrayed

So Depression knocked on my door and stared at me through the screen. I recognized him and at that moment I had to make a decision. Was I going to let him in or slam the door in his face. I felt him seeping in through the screen as I delayed my decision. It became more difficult to resist. My head knew the promises of God but my hurt clouded my judgement. Sunday morning one of my sister’s reminded me of who I am. Several others emotionally held me as I fought to slam the door.

Originally I planned to post a pilot blog to test the waters. I thought to title the blog Random Thoughts and then Mr. Robin Williams allegedly committed suicide. The reported cause, Depression. My levity subsided and I decided to share my more serious thoughts.

It was a warm summer night, late. I sat on my front porch in my nightgown rocking like so many mentally ill patients with whom I had worked. What is the best way to go down Rosecrans to get as far away from my home without encountering the police? I knew they would pick me up and bring me home or to the police station and then home for indecent exposure. I didn’t want to embarrass my family. I just wanted to relieve them of my presence. You see Depression had convinced me that they would be better off without me. I couldn’t kill myself while my husband was at work because I had a new born with me. It had to be while my husband was home but asleep. If I killed myself it had to happen away from the house. This was my problem that night. My husband found me on the porch and just wrapped his arms around me. I don’t remember him saying anything. I just remember his arms. At first I wanted to run but I just settled into his arms and cried. Eventually we talked and I told him what I was feeling and thinking. He said he knew something was wrong but did not know how to help me. He feared coming home and finding me dead.  He felt helpless and hurt.Together we realized I was depressed, very depressed.