Miscellaneous Thoughts

After That First Moment

by ladypbwiggins

I sat in the hospital admissions office filling out paper.

“Of course I want you to treat him.

” Of course I want you to do whatever is necessary.

Why would I say no? My mind wondering who thinks up these questions to ask people in an emergency.   My reasonable, logical mind knows the answer. The hospital must ask for liability reason but in that moment I thought it was asinine.

I wanted answers to my questions and I wanted them now!

“Where is my husband and what are they doing?”

“‘Why want they come and get me?”

I waited almost two hours and I still don’t know why. Finally the admissions clerk got tired of waiting and went to check. The emergency room team had stabilized him but didn’t remember to come and get me. I managed to stay calm during the two hours of not knowing. Oh how I wanted so badly to have him transferred from that hospital to my home hospital. It didn’t happened. God what are you teaching me?

He was admitted and moved to ICU. I waited almost 24 hours before I saw a doctor. Supposedly he communicated with the staff but not me. I was calm but felt the rage rising. When he came I felt the ice cold chill emanating from me. I can only guess what he felt. (I must say the nursing staff was really nice and tried to be as helpful as possible.) The only good thing he accomplished as far as I was concerned was getting my husband transferred to Kaiser Permanente-Fontana.

I decided in that moment that I would not wait for doctors for my answers. I would assert myself into their rounds discussions and ask my questions. I would listen to orders verbally given to the nurses. I would ask the nurses what they were doing and why they were doing it. God gave me favor with the doctors, nurses and therapists. He gave me the correct way to approach them. Amazingly, it was with the gentleness of a lamb and the shrewdness of the serpent. Only His Spirit could do that. I watched myself operate in His humility and kindness. It feels good and it is powerful. I hope I never lose this. I better understand

“The meek shall inherit the earth.”

 

 

In That Moment

by ladypbwiggins

Almost three weeks ago I faced the death of my husband. There had not been any signs that this could come so quickly. We were getting ready for bed. He had just walked into the bathroom to take his shower. I was lying across the bed playing Angry Birds awaiting my turn. Suddenly there was this loud rumbling noise. I thought he had slipped in the shower. As I ran to him, I realized I didn’t hear any water running. When I entered the bathroom, I saw my tall, beautiful husband lying against the shower door gasping for air and in a contorted position.

In that moment

I came face to face with the reality of losing him;

with loneliness;

 with an empty space that should have been occupied;

with losing my best friend;

with the pain of telling our children and feeling their pain;

with a change in living conditions;

with that question of “what do I do now?”

All in that moment.

I called 911 and did chest compression as best I could in the position he was in. The paramedics arrived and took over. Somewhere after they first assessed him and then moved him to a flat position, he died. As I watched them an amazing calm overcame me. I found myself praying “Lord, if it is his time, I don’t want him to suffer. If it isn’t, please heal him.” After three shocks to his heart, he began to breath again. They quickly moved him to a gurney and then out the door.

I will never forget that moment when it felt time stopped. I encountered myself, death and my faith all clashing into that single point of time. My new journey began in that moment.

I Lost Myself

by ladypbwiggins

I lost myself

Where did I go?

I lost myself.

So busy being strong

I LOST myself.

What did I do wrong?

I see me lurking

Out of the corner of my eyes.

My face so sad

Wanting to be vibrant again.

Wanting to be free to

Enjoy hobbies, ocean waves,

Beach walks, mountain hikes,

Or a day on the sewing machine.

I lost MY SELF.

I see me but

I seem so out of reach.

How do I discover me

Again?

Faith or Sight? Choose!

by ladypbwiggins

Several years ago I posted this during a personal medical crisis. I felt led to repost as a reminder to me and other believers as we walk through this most recent national health crisis.

7 For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7 NKJV

I have heard that scripture cited so very much over my life. I even thought I knew what it meant. I thought….

On Friday, April 10, 2015 I realized I didn’t get it before. God said to me “Your behavior does not match your words. Are you really walking by faith or are you really walking by sight wrapped in limited faith.”

Let me give you some context.

At Eagles Wings Christian Church, we have been focusing a lot lately on “Walking by Faith, Not by Sight.” There are new activities that we want to accomplish and it will require faith to do it.

On Sunday, March 1, 2015, God spoke through our praise leader that everything would be alright. She uncontrollably kept repeating “everything will be alright.” We said Amen. What we didn’t understand that a few short minutes later, the pastor, my husband, would pass out just before taking the pulpit. Apparently, his blood pressure dropped and so did he. The emergency response team was called and he was revived and taken to the hospital. That morning the believers swarmed him with prayer. I felt no fear just prayerful power. After all we had been told “everything would be alright.”

The teachings continued and we as a church expected every week for a miracle. Little did we know God had an object lesson planned. On March 26th, God’s lesson began. “In That Moment” and “After the First Moment” tell the story so I invite you to read those posts.

This is where the Friday conversation becomes relevant. We talked about walking by faith and not by sight at church and among believers. That basically means we live, make decisions based on the faith that we have in some thing or someone not by what we observe in the circumstance. The scripture that was laid on my mind when my husband had his heart attack was Psalm 91 especially verses 14-16. I told everyone that I was standing in faith on this scripture for my husband’s recovery.

Here was my contradiction.

Sight said

He had a loss of oxygen. Brain damage

His heart has a 10-20% refraction – doesn’t pump blood strongly enough

Needs a defibrillator or other surgery

Prognosis is not so good.

The practical and realistic thinking person says let’s do what is medically necessary to save and improve his life. I mean it is reasonable right?

Faith says Psalm 91

Psalm 91:14-16 (NKJV)
14 “Because he has set his love upon Me,

therefore I will deliver him;

I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will deliver him

and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,

And show him My salvation.”

God said “You said Psalm 91 was your faith anchor while you make preparations to satisfy sight.” His question was clear. “Will you totally and completely trust me and my word? Choose.”

Do I listen to faith or sight? I chose faith. In that choice, I signed up to behave or live according to faith not what I see. Yes, I gather all the information from the doctors. I ask questions to understand what the doctors are doing. I then turn all that over to God and remind Him what He said.

Until God says something different, I am expecting everything that He said in Psalm 91. My husband fulfills the conditions and I choose to trust God’s Word. It is my choice to live, walk, behave according to faith not just mentally believe.

Questionable Fruit Trees

by ladypbwiggins

We say what we are feeling. I hear you saying, “No, I don’t say what I am feeling because that would stir up a whole lot of trouble.” I beg to disagree. Your mouth may not say it but your face, your eyes, the twist of your mouth, and even the way you sit or stand says so much more. Have you ever listened to someone say all the right words but you didn’t believe anything they said. Sometimes it is because of your attitude but most times it is because you got the message that their body was sending.

While Yshua (Jesus) was teaching about our words condemning or justifying us, he made this statement.

“Either make the tree good, and the fruit good; or make the tree bad, and its fruit bad; the tree will be know by its fruit”

Usually we focus on the fruit but today the tree sat up and screamed, I am what’s important. If the tree is unhealthy, anything it produces is not profitable to anyone. You and I are the trees. If our insides are sick, filled with mean, unforgiving thoughts; if the growth and depth of our roots have been hindered by grudges and anger then no matter how nice we try to say it, the fruit we produce will be lacking in nourishment for ourselves or anyone around us. The messages we send verbally or bodily are the fruit our trees produce. A bad tree can produce something that looks like good fruit but when you bite into it you realize it is not good. That is much like the right sounding words we say but underneath them or embedded in them is all the rottenness housed inside us.

Let us let go of the anger, grudges, meanness, unforgiving evil thoughts.

Let the plant food of the Spirit and Word of God not be hindered in reaching the roots of our mind.

Let the leaves of your tree be green and full of life.

Let the shade your tree provides signal rest, refreshing, and peace.

Let the fruit from your tree bring nourishment: encouragement, compassion, truth, fairness and real love.

Let it be known that you are a good tree with good fruit.

Just in case you think I am excluding myself from these admonitions, know that they hit me first. I had to face myself in the mirror of these words.

Have I Missed The Mark?

by ladypbwiggins

What does the word sinner mean? We in Christiandom use that word so much to refer to those who have not accepted Jesus as the Christ, the Anointed One, our Lord and Savior. But what does it really mean?

My question was prompted by Jesus’ comment to the religious leaders who criticized Him for eating with tax-gathers and other such disreputable people. (FYI the tax-gatherers were not liked because in doing their job they gathered more than what was required and kept the difference. They cheated the people.)

The comment is recorded in Matthew 9:12-13.

  Matthew 9:12-13 (YLT)
12  And Jesus having heard, said to them, `They who are whole have no need of a physician, but they who are ill;
13  but having gone, learn ye what is, Kindness I will, and not sacrifice, for I did not come to call righteous men, but sinners, to reformation.’

Matthew 9:12-13 (NKJV)
12  When Jesus heard that, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.
13  But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.’ For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”

So who is a sinner? I looked the word sinner up in the Strong’s Talking Greek & Hebrew Dictionary. The word simply meant sinner but the word it was derived from means to miss the mark or err.

I went back and looked at Jesus’ statement with this definition in mind. Jesus told the religious leaders that His interest and attention would be given to those who had missed the mark or erred.  Since they thought they were so righteous clearly they did not need His attention.  The irony is they had missed the mark. They had erred.

If they had understood that God required kindness above sacrifice, they never would have asked that question.

If they had understood God wanted those who had missed the mark or erred to have a course correction in their lives, they would have understood what their job really was.

They would also have understood that they fit into the “missed the mark” category.

How many of us who are professed followers of Christ have “missed the mark”? Yes, we are in the family but we still make erroneous decisions. We still mess up sometimes. We still miss the mark.  Have we, like those religious leaders, not realized that in all our religiocity we have not shown mercy and kindness to people?

We disassociate ourselves from those who need His love and mercy calling ourselves righteous when in fact we are called to associate for the purpose of sharing with others that forgiveness and reforming power we say we have experienced.

Have we missed the mark? Have we erred?

Something to think about.  Assess your life.

You Left Me

by ladypbwiggins

You left me

You left a hole in my essence.

Grands tried to take your place.

They loved me.

Taught me.

Comforted me.

Where were you?

You left me.

The influence of your leaving

Powerful!

I didn’t know how much      Until

I madeall those stupid relationship decisions

Looking for you.

You left me.

I loved a man that I thought I would marry.

When he left me

The impact of your leaving grew greater.

That hole you made grew larger and colder.

Your leaving, his leaving had such a hold on me

That my whole being ached.

You left me.

That day I stood over you

And realized I did not know you

Just as you did not know me.

You lay in that casket a stranger.

Father, I realized you finally

LEFT ME,

FINALLY,

I Forgive You.

Serious Choices – Heroine

by ladypbwiggins

I was standing at a life-changing crossroad.

Should I live in the cold north or

The familiar south or

The place of my dreams, the west?

Should I make this decision based on a man that I love

Who I am not sure really loves me?

I made the decision to move

Thanks to my heroine.

She sat me down and made me look objectively at all my choices.

I had spent four years in the cold, cold snow.

Done with that.

I wanted to experience a different environment so the south was out.

My dreams lay in the sun reflecting off the Pacific.

But what about him?

She said

“If he loves you, he will come and get you.

Do you really want to plan your life on His doubt?”

I moved to the west

Thanks to my heroine.

I moved west with no regrets

Thanks to my heroine.

My heroine was my other

ME.

At least on that day.

The Cat

by ladypbwiggins

Pat the Cat

That’s what they called me.

I never understood why.

Did I walk stealthily across campus?

I don’t think so.

Was I mysterious in my quietness?

Didn’t try to be.

What cat-like qualities did they see?

Did I move with powerful confidence like a Black Panther?

Doubt it.

I was a terrified freshman.

What did they see?

Even now I wish I new.